Be sexy not socksy | Elementary guide for countering stinkers


 I have a really amazing nose. I am not talking about the shape, structure and aesthetics. I am talking about the functional part. I used to guess the veggie being cooked in the kitchen even before entering my home (I so miss ma ke haath ka khaana). As Spiderman movie didn't say, "with great powers, comes a problem tower". I simply can't tolerate things and people who smell more than the European limit (I am assuming there is one). Some people are born with great tolerance. I am talking specifically about the people who can tolerate themselves. The people you pass by and think, "had I smelled like you, I would have hung myself with that umbilical cord". Okay, so here I come up with some amazing ways to counter the people who smell, which are little more practical and won't throw you behind bars.

Denial

When you pass by a woman with almost choking amount of smelly make up, meditate! Don't retaliate and keep that gun inside. I know it is difficult but just try. Just assume that she doesn't even exist. Close your eyes, breathe as slowly as you can. Think about good things that happened to you. It somewhat eases up the pain that your nostrils are being subjected to. When they can live in that denial mode that they are breathtaking (quite literally uhun uhun), why can't you?

Evade

There exist, in this universe, some people who can be called birthday bathers. As the term suggests, the set of human beings who seem to take bath only on special occasions like their own birthday are known as birthday bathers. The moment such a guy enters the office, he brings with himself a wave of bacteria, viruses and protozoa. I feel pity for the dogs these guys have, or pass by. I mean dogs can smell about 100, 000 times better than humans. Again, "with great powers, comes a problem tower". The moment you come across such people, just run. Run for your life! You know Usain Bolt is also a human. If he can, you can!

Inspire

Humans are peaceful beings. Oh those nuclear bombs were just made due to obsession of mushrooms. We can always inspire people to bathe regularly, wear washed clothes, use deodorant and act civilized. I tell you a real life incident. A guy who was my teammate in my office for two months used to aerate smell vapors, I don't know from which part of his body, nor do I want to imagine. I could not handle him, nor the rest of my team. We gave up hope. But then new projects came up and teams were changed. Finally, we all breathed a sigh of relief (quite literally).

But now the new team was doomed. I didn't have that much mercy for the engineering student failing an exam by one mark. But one teammate stood against the fate. She brought about the wind of change. During the Christmas season, we have a gifting ceremony called "Secret Santa" where you gift to one of your teammates without letting them know. She wrapped the most effective chemical weapon that even Saddam Hussain could not imagine in his lifetime. As he gradually unwrapped the gift, the tension kept rising. Finally, at the very first appearance of the gift, the eyes of all the teammates gleamed with the ray of hope of a pleasant tomorrow. It was a deodorant bottle! Look! No blood marks! No legal fuss! Clean, neat and sweet! I tell you girls are smart. He kept denying that she gave it just like that. I went up to him holding my breath, "accept it friend, you stink". Okay, guys are not that smart.

Sacrifice

This is hard. Even before I begin, I am telling you this is really hard to do. But we live in a country which is known for sacrifices across ages. But this is something none has done before. Okay, you seem ready to know about it now. Instead of denying and evading those people, you have to befriend them. Assume that they are sane and not a threat to the human civilization. And then change that dosti into rishtedaari. Oh don't marry them! Bring them into a relationship with you, and then look for the right moment to tell them, "I could have blown your mind, but you stink". Ouch!

Fight back

When all the methods mentioned above nosedive, when all the moderation and diplomacy turn futile, when the water rises above your head (and sadly not theirs), when despite all the goodness you show the rise of evil is almost unfathomable, you've got to take the matter into your own hands (not quite literally) and fight back like a true gladiator. As the wise men said, "when ghee doesn't come up with a straight finger, you gotta bend it". No matter if he's your boss, accomplice, junior, friend, foe, relative or a complete stranger whosoever he/she might be, it is the time you face them. You walk up to them and pose that question, "what's that smell boss". "You so poor you can't afford a deo. See some water man! Stop killing people. Be sexy not socksy. I hope I am clear, I hope you're too tomorrow."

I know that sounds hard. When you would see someone fainting in your arms because of that stinker, you would regret your inaction and that would be of no use then. It's better to have a failure "I did that badly" rather than a regret "I wish I had done that". You act now or never.

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